im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
