He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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