Your dad touched me again.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We need to rekindle our bromance
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
