My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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