I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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