don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Did I show you my penis last night?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Randomize
