Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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