I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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