Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
