i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
