I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
