I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
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