This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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