If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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