i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
