i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
