Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
