So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize
