Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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