haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize