im having a threesome with these popsicles
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
