Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
