i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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