Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
