Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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