Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
