Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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