During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
