Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
