my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
