Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
