I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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