i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You made out with two different species that night
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
