I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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