just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
