I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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