I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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