hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
