My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
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On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
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Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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