corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
