I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I don't deserve a penis
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
