I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
