I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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