You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Randomize
