I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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