Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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