rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
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I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
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I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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