Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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