i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
