I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
