I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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