turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Watching her eat just hurts me
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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