I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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