I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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