Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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