i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
