You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
