i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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